I know that it is scary to be honest about this topic and sometimes uncomfortable talking about it. If it were that one man is made to “fit” one woman like a key and a lock; with no spare keys and no master key, we wouldn’t even be talking about sexual compatibility. No guess work, no trial and error, no rejection, no pain, no heartache, no cheating, and no divorce due to irreconcilable sexual differences.
Unfortunately that’s just not real life. One of the most painful things I deal with are men and women who’ve ignored incompatibility in sexual needs, wants and styles, only to wake up 6 months, five years or twenty years later to find their partner sexually attracted to someone else, involved in an affair or packed their bags and are gone. Many others have sex with their spouses with “eyes closed” and ten years later turn around and complain that the person they married is not the person they thought he/she was.
Sometimes a bad sexual connection is a sign of other things not being quite right. So it’s definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better.
How can you tell if you and a potential partner have sexual chemistry or are sexually compatible?
First up, sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. Sexual chemistry is a primal instinct that happens at our unconscious or sub-conscious level. You know it when you feel it (pounding heart, faster heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach, sweating palms, weak knees, euphoria and all that good stuff) . And you can feel this very strong sexual chemistry with someone but not necessarily be sexually compatible.
Sexual compatibility on the other hand is about “sexual fit”; knowing on a conscious and rational thought level what you want, what is good for you and how you can get what you want while making it possible for your partner to get what s/he wants.
One obvious way to find out if you are sexually compatible is to sleep with the person, that you way you know if it’s a fit or not, if you like it or don’t. However, this is not usually the best way especially if you want to give true attraction and true love a chance to reveal itself.
When you get sexually involved just from sexual chemistry alone or just to “find out if you’re sexually compatible”, you may find that “sex” got in the way of true friendship and genuine deep love. You find one or both of you holding onto the illusion that you hold the power over the direction in which the relationship is going because you’re the one who decides when “sex happens”. After a while, the one who feels “powerless” starts to develop a certain emotional distance forcing the one with the “power” to step up the sex manipulation game. From there it’s downhill. This power play doesn’t work well in the long term.
There are a few instances where two people who have sex right away, even before they’ve established an emotional bond manage to maintain the relationship long term and even get married. But this is usually because both individuals have a very high level of emotional maturity or are very committed to each other, enough to make it work. The reality though is that these kinds of relationships are very rare these days. In most cases, “sex on a first date” relationships run into a cycle of on-and-off again dysfunction (toxic relationships).
You can choose to take your chances and go for it, or you can choose to wait until such a time you and your partner feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually bonded before you are sexually involved. If you plan to remain “celibate” until your wedding night, at least take the time to have a frank discussion with your partner to avoid a “sex crisis” on your wedding night. Also it’s good to remember that giving true love a chance to reveal itself doesn’t mean a passionless or “dead” relationship!
Whichever way you choose to do it, and no matter how much you love somebody, you’ll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it openly, truthfully and honestly.
See how you answer the following questions;
Are you both emotional open with each other?
Do you agree on the importance sex plays in a relationship?
Do you constantly worry that you or your partner will not be sexually fulfilled?
Do you sometimes wonder if you’d be sexually happier with another partner?
Do you rationalize for the lack of sexual chemistry in your relationship? For example, do you try to make it somehow “okay” with statements like “Lots of people don’t have fulfilling sex lives”, or “S/he is a nice person who cares about sex, anyway?” or ” Sex is often overrated, there are more important things in a relationship” etc)? If you do, red-flag right there!
Do you find yourself avoiding intimacy (touch, kissing, cuddling etc) because you do not feel sexually attracted to your partner?
Do you often blame lack of time for the lack of intimate moments?
Do you and your partner have different sexual needs (how many times, where, how – that kind of thing)?
Are you or your partner sexually dysfunctional (addicted to sex, pornography, etc)?
If you believe you and your partner are sexually incompatible, it doesn’t help to deceive yourself. By ignoring sexual incompatibility wishing, hoping and praying that it’ll just somehow go away on it’s own is setting yourself up or setting up your partner to cheat soon or later, or for the relationship to go sour at some point. The good news is that often two people can work through many of the issues related to sexual incompatibility with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance.